It’s just my blogs - Annie YYF

Im abt to headed to my bed when I decided to checkout d latest chicks & hunky around frenster. Came to spot a lad which really impressed me. I kinda knew someone who ‘related’ to her. I wont say who was dat cos that’s not the topic (well… it’s abt him actually).

Seems 2 me all three of them attached pretty close to each other. They r siblings and very, very much care of each other. Jz like d three of them and there they r. One of them r away from d other two bt they still keep close communication. I kinda admire how they keep it up. I don know wat happen 2 d family bt it doesnt matter.

I wonder how come it dont happen 2 me. I jz had 2 let go. 1st, i do think jz don think & do more works on anything as long as not abt him. Still, that’s not it. I lost my sense in some way. Short 2 it, I cant let f***in go. I mean it’s not d**n easy. D last time I ‘had to’ let go was abt 10 yrs ago and Im forced 2. It took more than half a s**t yr 2 finally attached again.

Know wat I do? I did all d household works TWICE daily! Still got plenty of time then I sat alone in d balcony & think of him. Think of our times together & how I wish I knew wat happen that divided us up. I never knew till now.

4 dis recent very short relationship, I also never knew wat happen but all I can feel is suffocated & I need 2 breath again. I chosen 2 breath & resulted I had 2 loosen him up. Hard to explain anymore.

This is human. No one will ever understand and will ever satisfied. D**n un-explainable. So s**t sleepy now. Good fcuk & DG nite.

This week … mark the 3rd trip out from Sdk. Last two were in Twu and Kul. This time somewhere nearer in Sbh. haha…. wait till i post those pics of me and my dear frens next week when im bc.

Workload still the same. Which I mean Im tryin all my might to keep up with it. Guess by now I am very much aware of the procedures and time concious that needed in this job. Unlike the others, I had to always look at the time almost an hour each time. Haha…. chasing d time I mean.

Im glad that I didnt bc off from this job. well, that was once in my mind after I posted in my resignation letter last time. I told myself there is no escape anymore and I cant go bc cos too much had been done liao. So, why not bump ur head and give it a try. Who knows I might made it. Hopefully!!

I met my Takimi b4 I came bc 2 Sdk. She is now happily attached. I wont say much bt Im really happy for her. Nothing knowin very well abt her past bt Im paying much attention on her future which count from now.

Adel settled down and Mag cling liao. All left now is myself. Oh ya…. congratulation to Rid. Whom engaged early of this month. That was so surprising bt we all knew he got someone from d beginning. Now been half way to settlement, he can all rest assured that the happy time will definitely come. Way to go, man!

Myself? Nah! Attached, settle down or cling are all ….. not on my mind. What matter most now is work and my prosperity. After d break up, I should say I am still not sure if I can attached to that someone. I had this kind of trauma that …. all d guys are d same. I knew it’s nt true bt I cant help myself thinking that way when Im anyway near to a relationship. That bc me off.

So, why bother??? Let’s work. Im sure I had alot to catch up too and frens!!! Cant left them out. They are part of source of survival. For those of you that had yet to follow my previous chapters, you will not understand until you flip thro all my previous chapters. Then, you’ll un.

Gtg. Very late liao. Need to rest. Hehe… countin down 1 day to d trip beginning. Wonder if my planned will ever work. heheh… gd nite.

Jz got bc from a trip 2 Kul. It’s actually a trip under my co. Guess wat.. v r havin Amazing-Race lookalike games. Running around KL Sentral, Mid Valley, Sungai Wang & KLCC. If u look real close & happen 2 b there on 08/09/07, then u might spot me & 3 of my team mems (Hally, Emellya & Mabel) running around gettin out Qs solve. haha…. my first experience and I pretty very much like it even I kind of suffocated cos I ran alot.

V ended d race as d 5th team and surprising was announce as d champion during dinner in Chinoz, KLCC.

Later after d dinner, Hally & I get ourselves into d just launched U-squeeze by Osim. I kind of feel got tickle sittin there. I laughed!

I would very much like to explain everything bt Im really tired. Even now while Im writing it here. So, pls view those pics that I had upload.

Good nite everyone.

U never knew how wonderful is ur life until u really feel & realized dat u r blessed.

That’s wat I am feeling now. 1st of all in dis yr, I jz broke off a 9 yrs r/ship. Then, I ‘crawled’ in & out from d ‘grave’ 4 2 horrible months. Unbearable! 3rd, I came bc clubbin non-stop 4 another 2 ‘un-concious’ months (however… something good, something sweet & something surprising during this 2 months. I give it an 8.) So, here I am now… Workacholic!!!! I start this job wit a ZERO. Anyway, thx 2 everything in dis 4 months, I knew I don think like I used 2 b already. I learned 2 say NO 2 most of d things including my desires. I won say I know exactly how 2 re-act in times 2 come bt I knew I am analyzing every little details. Dat shd help alot already.

Also, I would nt pass those time if without my family & friends. Haha…. Felt kinda shame havin 2 say this. Everyone is concious when they gave advice bt  when it comes 2 they r d victim,… sense r lost! Suddenly impossible decision r made easily. Seems like too easy 2 ever said… I always wonder why bt ‘emotional always over-power rational’. Huh… anyone wanna challenge this phrase here?? Guess u never knew until u r in.

Yesterday while I was on my home from Tawau, there was an accident along d long way from tawau 2 L/Datu. Jz 1 car. Toyota Hilux (double cab), grey color. I didnt catched d plate number bt d front car was all kemek into d drive and front passenger seats. Crashed up d small kelapa sawit hill. Sorry, mind my language… When out car passes by, i didnt dare 2 c if there is anyone trapped inside. I am over-imaginative type. So, better don look at it. Then all of a sudden, I thought of him. Could dat be him? With his dad? Nah! Bt… wat if it’s him there? I cant resist 2 take out my hp n sent him a sms. I didnt call. Don know why. I asked where he was bt in return he asked who am I. After I replied, he said he was in mile 4. Thank god. It’s not him.

I wonder how many of u ever did d same stupid things like I am. I mean, I don hv 2 do this. I can just simply ignored everything. Still, whenever something happen, I was afraid it was him. I cant stop thinking & then send him an sms asking where he was. If he replied, Im relieved bt if he don! I am gettin more and more worried. U get what I mean??? We broke off and it’s only a month relationship bt I treat it like we were already into a few yrs and I cant let go. What d hell…. D*** me!

Tell me… How many of u ever done or been in this situation like mine and did stupid things. Share ur experiences. . .  We may jz gain something here…. Post me ur comment here….

Jz passed my 1^st day in d new workin place today. J It’s not d best I gave bt Im workin on it. Hopefully my practitioner realized it. Pity her, she got flu and sore throat. She said everytime she came 2 sdk, she got dat ‘sick’ syndrome. Strange bt true enough cos I experienced it jz like her. Haha… hopefully she’ll b in a better condition when she bc tomorrow.

Tomorrow is my 2^nd day practical & I shall continue 2 practices my concentration in full. Stayin in my own bigger office space certain gives me extra advantages when it comes to filing and stocking up forms. I think I need to re-arrange first before I can do my own filing. That would be much appropriate to do.

There’s a lot I need to learn from her place. Those forms that she stock up, those filing that she done & those proper procedures that she did every single day. I really need 2 pay extra attention on every single details.

I’ll tell u all tomorrow what happen on my second day. Btw, the place was really great at all account. I am really grateful for the ‘arrangement’. Thank God.

What a day! I had so many things to do today which partial are due for tomorrow. Still I am so wanted to go out for a while. So, I end up sitting in Little Nanyang for an hour and went home. So to that, I’m totally satisfied. I brought with me one of my favorite books Work It, Girl! 101 Tips For The Hip Working Chick.

Frens? Nah, I’m alone. Why? I just feel like I wanna sit there alone for a while. So, I sat there a while. Wanted to take up the Nasi Briyani but omg! R u crazy? Just had my brunch at 10am++ and now wanna had that Briyani? Of cos not! I’m not that hungry after all. Leave it for the next time perhaps.

I got bc and my mom wonder if something was wrong cos she thought Im goin out yam cha with a couple of frens and if coming bc in less than 2 hours would consider alittle weird.

No mom! I’m alone. She didn’t believe! Why? Can I sit alone in a coffee shop? Was that weird? Not to me. After all, I made the whole decision if I’m alone. Sometimes I like js to sit alone and read my book or think of something. One of the ways to release tension. Not that I’m so tense but relax. . . .

Wonder if today is ok for swimming or not. Wonder it’s a lot of people swimming there at 4pm or not. I’m not a learned swimmer and that pool…. is always visited by those perfect swimmers or at least they are very good. Even kids! How shame am I in front of them. Mom told me that they used to be like me in the first. Yeah true, I believed so. Still, it’s hard to learn swimming among those perfect one. I’m so embarrassing.

I just wait for the day. Last nite was the earliest nite I went to bed. For the past week, the early time is really early! Around 3am. Can’t help I got practical papers to follow up and I really need to settle them before my finalizing. Tomorrow will be a totally new environment for me. Different route and different faces. Different styles and different works. Hahah…… Don’t worry, everything will be alrite. I just need some times to adjust myself to the environment and some times to get to know all my works. Don worry, Im gonna be alrite. Haha….

Sunday always makes me lazy but I put up my mental ‘banner’ to change all those negative thoughts. Really needs to adjust my thinking.

For the following three weeks Saturday and Sunday. I won’t be in

Sandakan

. Travel, travel and travel. I’ll snap those interesting pics and upload it. But… Im now concern on my works. Traveling so much and having only beginning all works will drag my productive gradually. Hopefully, I catch everything Lily tell me tomorrow. Notes! Notes! Notes! Can’t forget that one.

Supposingly I should be in bed by now. Like everyone around but… Im still wide awake in front of my pc now. Yeah true, I wish I could sleep. Still, the arguement was too much to bear that it leaves me so ‘alive’ now. I wouldnt wanna say who’s wrong and who’s rite. I still remembered how she said those words that herself think is rite. Some more, she wouldnt listen to people’s words.

I wonder why is she doing this? She even jealous about how I treat others. I treated her the same as I treated outside. Still, she don’t think I act fair. Everytime she sees me, there will be something that she wanna say that makes me really fed up. Most of the time are arguements. I hate to say I hate any kind of conversation with her. Sad but true. I hate all conversation with her. I can’t help telling myself to not talk to her. Not even just chatty talks.

Today mark the last day of my working day with ALIM. Felt alittle bad but to live on, I have to move on. Can’t say more than I’ll get used to that very soon. Next monday, I’ll be in Pru. Same industry but different company. Nothing much will change except I really need to be more alert than I am in ALIM. There are more new things I need to handle on a daily basis. I guess I will be OK. Believe in myself and just do it. Action speaks louder than words.

This coming holiday (National Day), I’ll be going to Twu. For a couple of days with a few frens and enjoy ourselves to the travelling. Yeah, I’ve been there couple of times but all on business purpose. So, not really relaxing myself. This time, I really wanna let go of the thinking in Sandakan. Enjoy my stay and chit chat with Mag. Oh ya, chocolate moist cake. She just love it. I must remember to bring it over to her.

That’s it. After bragging everything out, feels much better. Mentally much relieved. Good nite everyone. Take care.

The thing between human is really hard to explain. How come a person did the same mistake again and again is also hard to explain. Even worst willingly did the mistakes! That’s not all. The ultimate worst thing is did the same mistake again and again. Wouldn’t you be surprise??

I’m not! Why? I’m one of them. Yeah, you heard of me! I’m one of them. I don’t even know why. I came out and fall head over heel into it again. Came our and into it again. Again and again. What worst thing that ever happen. Still the bright side is it’s not the same person. I mean I’m not facing the same person. Having going in and coming out so many times, it makes me feel so tired and so fed up because the result end all the same no matter how many ‘round-about’ I turn in and out. No matter how is the beginning the ending will still is the same. I felt oh so stupid. Every time I’m making a fool out of myself. So stupid but so willingly. How could I? Yesterday I did one stupid thing again and in the afternoon I felt regret about it. Sen and Amanda said I am really d**n stupid and what the hell makes me repeat the same mistake again. I shouldn’t have at all bothered him but I talk to him first and at the end I got busted. So f***in stupid.

I asked Takimi is there any way I will not fall stupidly again and her reply is simple but meaningful “Ask yourself. Are you willingly let yourself got torture mentally again?” Who would want that? I never want to but I can’t help it. It’s really so stupid.

Recently I couldn’t sleep a lot. I woke up the same time around 6am no matter what time I laid down. I wonder if this is the sign of getting old. Haha . . . Hey, u can’t blame me for thinking this way because  . . . well, you know!

Then again, I didn’t hang out a lot like previous month. First, I don’t feel like I want to hang out very late already. Second, the scene is all the same. Third, there are always some people they’re giving me pressure. What’s on my mind is having drinks with couple of friends and chat the night away. Haha . .  . or maybe a movie date with someone. Those alcoholic drinks . . .  I prefer to have a sip during weekdays. Wed or maybe Fri. Somewhere like Sub*** is perfect enough because we won’t have a lot. A few bottle and a few hours . . . that’s all it takes to release the stress within. This week is school holidays. I wonder what he is doing and where is he now. Guess I would never know. I expect the connection is all lost there already. Good! I banged my head at the wall like always and got myself all bleed.

Don worry about me. I get used to it so much that I lost count and I keep repeating it. How stupid!

I finally got my OL today. Means it’s a confirm that I will be in another place end of this month. I wonder what’s in-store for me. Wonder how well the new place be. . . Haha… Can’t wait to experience the new everything.

Getting pretty busy late with the practical and final arrangement before my movement. Somehow deep inside me, I’ll know I’m gonna miss everything here. Everything that I’ve been thro for the past 5 years and too bad I aint got the chance to celebrate the 5th National Day with them again. Not to mention wasn’t listed in attending the 5th Annual Dinner with them. My 5th year are not going so the same as previously I had.

I don’t felt regret cos I understand I am giving away something and will get something in return. Be it something I can see or something I can feel. But. .  . there are something when u give away, u won’t get anything back in return. haiiii….

Tomorrow nite will be another grand nite. I wish nothing will go wrong cos I can’t afford lost myself again so soon. I may not be the best but at least Im learning to be the better one that I am now. Wonder who will I meet there… What about the nite movie?

It’s been while. Really while… for a blogger like me to pen down my ‘life’ again. I bet some of you knew what’s going on with me while others might have kept guessing ‘what’s going on with the emotional blogger there?’ In fact, my life takes up a 360 degrees changes and I actually feel good about it.

What’s been going on? Hmm… it’s more or less I learned my lesson well. I had to say (actually, sorry to say) I learned not to trust my opposite gender that much as I use to have. After those betrays, after those lies, after those endless tears, after those sleepless night, after those debts, I can finally say I’m OK despite staying single again and I am proud to say I enjoy been single now.

One thing I really need to announce here is the time I do not know how much friendship means to me, I do not understand why I kept been silly and I do not realized someone actually care for me so much is the time my close friends are all the while with me. They are the one who never give me up despite I lie and lie and lie and lie again and again and again to them. I knew they felt pretty devastated seeing me that way while all I want is to do that silly, stupid stubborn thing. OMG, I really let them down that particular time.

Been clubbing for a few weeks in a row. Enjoying the companion of new friends I just knew there and the old one as well. Life is good if you know what you are doing all the while. Sometimes of course, it can be rocking but while some other times… it can be joyful.

I had a very short relationship with a guy last month. At first, I thought I can treat him as a companion only. Still, I really pour my heart to him. We broke off twice and get back again. Then last couple of days ago, I broke it off again. This time for real. It’s really time wasting going on with him. He obviously doesn’t know what I really want from him. Very simple! Care for me and TRY understood each other. All the while I had to think of his feeling. I had to persuade myself to understand him when he gone mad at me for the purpose I-Don-Know-Why-He-Was-Angry!!!

He was far younger than me so I thought I had to be more understood in this case. I tried explain to him a relationship means in the mind of a girl; my age. Still, he doesn’t understand. I look stupid among my friends when they tried all their might to loosen our relationship mentally. I don’t blame them for I also doubted myself for accepting his propose in the first place. Since I accept, I commit to it fully. I am the normal girlfriend like every couple has. I really treat him as my boyfriend. The only hard thing is he expects me to understand his feeling and that he felt hurt when we had argument. I did say sorry twice which I knew I am wrong at that particular time. At some time, I did really say mean words and when Im in his shoes … I felt hurt too. I am really sorry for what I say.

Verse vice… he never think he say anything wrong. That doesn’t piss me off. Doesn’t make me angry. Doesn’t drive me crazy either. Completely letting I down and it’s really disappointing. I do not felt hurt for I knew he is too young to understand that particular words really annoying. Rather, I felt sad. I hold myself and try not asked anything from him at all. Still, I think I’ll be more happy to be single than this type of relationship. We had argument every week and that’s really bothering me. I was working and we had ‘sms war’. Those words are like shouting to each other. I pull white flag each time but that doesn’t please him. I had to back off.

When we had ‘war’ at night time, it was torturing cos I woke up in the middle of 3am and couldn’t sleep anymore. I sat alone thinking what is wrong. What did I said that hurt him? What is that I did that makes him angry? How can I ask for peace talk? I sent him sms after each war to ask for peace talk but those sms are completely ignored. He ignored me for a few days and come back asking for unite or sometimes talk to me again. I felt so tired with this. I just wanna go on normally like ordinary couple and not argument every week. The last issue we argued about is something he think I insulted him. I didn’t. Really. I just stated my opinion. Never knew he was hurt.

So, last sat… I broke it off by sms as well. I guess he’ll get over me sooner than I am. I really wish he’ll be happy with whatever lying for him in the future. He is still young and great path await him. No matter who he is with later, Im very happy for him should I see he is happy too. From my heart. I mean, I try to be his best gf but we really had communication barrier. No doubt we are not together anymore; I still wish him happiness and my blessing.

So, now I am single again. My life has just begun. I can think of a million things to do alone or with friends. I can do a million things alone or with friends. I am so far contented. Happy and upgrading myself. Haha… sound pretty odd rite? That’s how they say it.

Zzzzz now. Tomorrow is another big day. It’s now 1.51am. I really need a rest now. Take care everyone. I hope my blog here doesn’t ‘bore’ you all. Thank you.