It’s just my blogs - Annie YYF

I just heard about an ex-colleague wedding on this coming 24th. She didn’t invite me but I would have guess it. It’s been so long that we had lost contact. Nearly 5 years. I am not surprise that she’ll get marry but what surprised me is what took her so long to marry!Faith?

At my age, most of my fren are either in the family position or still swin around the corporate sea. I wonder what I would like myself to be in another 3 years. I don’t know. I still haven’t any idea.

Yesterday, I was having a drink with my bf’s sister. She enrolled into a Management course which took 1 yr (till end of Sept 2007) to finish. We weren’t close but the reason we are having drinks (actually it’s dinner that we also had together) is because she needs help with her assignment. Sort of a drink there. Anyway, it’s her treat then … why not?! I hate assignment too but I must agree that it’s one very effective way to prove hom far is my understanding toward what Im studying there. So far, I settled all the assignment myself except for Math which turns out to be disaster when it comes to exam. Haha…

Anyway back to her, .. frankly saying that I didn’t pay much attention on what was her assignment. I was sort of like summarizing the text that she got from the Net as well as an article that she got from a local newspaper. She at the other hand … won’t stop pressing her hp buttons. Hey… shouldn’t you be summarizing and I am double checking? Well, well, wat do we have here? She was actually virtually talking to one of the management staff in the college. We knew each other for as long as Im with my bf but never, ever get close. We are not in a way that can communicate. I don’t think it’s my problem since I never start anything so bad. She …. (Im telling you the truth) I mean herself … is full of offensive complains that I hate to storied it. I really hate it! Last nite… I saw herself as the weak one.

She is indeed full of hatred, disappointment, make believe and etc… She is weak that particular time. She is under a relationship crisis which might end up as a sad ending. I wouldn’t want to say what that was but truly, that’s gonna be one sad story should she takes the path herself mentioned to me. Still, I felt bad that the root cause is neither from herself nor her husband. I said to myself What a waste! Anyway, I already given my point of view. All left is only herself to analyse my points.

I always believe the words; What you least expect is what’s gonna happen. I met him again. No, not him! I mean the brother. He took the seat behind mine wit a fren. He sat facing me while the fren took the seat rite behind my back. I recognized him rite from the 1st word he said. God, is that him? What a co-incidence! Never mind, just stay calm and be a pretender. I never had the intention to look back at all and I wasn’t,.. wasn’t,.. wasn’t … afraid! Usually when I met those I least expected, I would feel so uneasy and keep doing everything wrong. Felt so embarassing! This time, it’s not happening. Nothing bad is happening. Not a thing! Great. One other reason why I stay calm in my position is cos Im sumarizing my fren’s articles. So, I keep my position and tried to settle the summarizing soonest cos … Im tired and abit sleepy.

Before that I thought HIM was around cos I saw their car passby the shop where we are having drinks but when I heard a human voice from the back, I knew it’s the brother. Of cos there was disappointment within my mind but I never forget what I had gone thro with ‘them’! Im pertty sure the word scream from within my heart is ENOUGH!

It’s about 2115 that we paid the bills and headed home. Im sure he’ll look at me walking out of the shop WITHOUT looking back at him eventhough I knew it’s him. I could do better than that but I am in no mood for that. A guy like you is not worth any of my further action either good or bad.

Next thurs, I’ll be flying to KUL. Dinner on the 24th. I hope my brother is available on sat & sun. I need to get to a few places. Nothing important cos I just wanna see see, look look.

I haven’t been doin anything important or urgent in the past two days (Sat,111106 & Sun 121106). I did yam cha with two frens on Sat nite. Both my pre-U frens. A guy and a gal. Should actually be two gals but one was on a date with her U fren. This guy was somehow doesn’t have much to do and don’t know where to go … so end up joing us for a drink.

One thing I must agree to is when more than two person sit down and had a little chat, I am usually the listener. The rest is either the story teller or the opinioner. Maybe Im having hard time get in the conversation while the story runs. I need to have time absord and digest. That nite, I’ve got the opportunity to express my piece of mind. We were into the topic of reasons a couple break up. Taking lots of real-live examples, we try to conclude why a couple would break up. Was it because both party only cares about themselves? They thought they care about other party too much but never get anything in return till fed up was the end of a feeling. Most probably one of the reason. Then again, was it b’cos they don’t talk things over and misunderstood grabs the chances to fly in? Hmmm… could be. I have heard that couple’s break up b’cos either side doesn’t understand why either side cannot get along with either side. Well…I know one reason very obvious is.. TIME and PURPOSE! And many, many reasons behind every misunderstood, every couples break up and all disagreement.

I had break ups myself too. I felt really rediculous. We broke for no particular reason to my understanding as no words spoken to me at all. I had to guessed it out myself. I called and we only talk like "Yeah." "No." "Uh hhm" blah, blah, blah. I even asked help from a close fren of ours to get info from him. That also no works. Lastly, ‘just fren’ asked him & he revealed it all. He wasn’t thinking when he wants me to be with him. He wanna try but in his opinion … there are things he just can’t let down and there are things that attract him more from others. Boy, am I disappointed! All along he wasn’t paying any much attention on me. I guessed he’s just doin comparison which one would suit him better. Okay, I guess Im not The One. It’s ok. It’s almost a chinese yr circle. I barely wanna remember we had those rough times.

Frankly, I never like a guy so, so much that it changes me and my thinking. After the ’silent’ break up, I still think of him. During the ‘unavoidable school time, I just stared at him from a distance. I can’t get any closer to him cos all that ever shown from him is the-uneasy-expression. Which makes us just keep quiet the whole time together. There are times I wanna to see him closer so much that I end up sat in the hall waiting for him to passby every morning just to take a glance of his face. Even a smile would do. I am so silly. My close pals knew what happened and they can’t do anything either cos I wasn’t doin anything. While im alone at home, I did my household chorus twice every single day. I sweeped & mopped the floor once before I went to school early and another time after I had my lunch at home. Same as to clean the windows and washing clothes. At that time, we didn’t own a washing machine. I washed my whole family clothes by hand! Got it hung and cleaned up the racks, drawers and boards. Still I got about half a day before bedtime. It really is suffocated to me. I just kept silent cos I don have the habit of telling people what happened to my life. Lastly, I decided to take up driving lessons. It still bothered me. I was hoping I can take the lesson everyday but I can’t. Then I went for tuition of BM. Those time did get me busy for those particular days. While sat & sun, I was so devasted that I had to stay in my housing area park for the rest of the free time. One of the place where no memories ever existed. I didnt want to see him but was that possible since we are both on the same school?! I struggled myself to till its our exam and I said to myself This is it! Its the end. Whatever it is, glance at him, watch him, look at him or even stare at him. GIve it your best shot. Cos the suspect is never been since so easy afterward. I did. I had the time of my life looking at him in every possible minutes. hahahaha…..:) True that after the exam, we never get in touch anymore.

Then again, I bumped into a ‘guy’ during my first carolling. That’s another rediculous ending story.

I felt good today. Much better than yesterday. Maybe it’s due to my eyes infection. Both of it felt heavy. I can hardly open wide. I had this habit of rubbing it lightly in the morning. Not so good of a luck yesterday. Today when I woke up, the first thing I do is … just sit there, close my eyes and remind myself of yesterday’s will not happen again. I closed it for about 10mins (Im actually half awake..) When i opened later, I don’t feel like I want to rub it. So straight away I headed for a tall glass of plain water. Daily routine.

Today is Friday. Means my last working days for this 46th week. Ohhh… it’s almost mid of Nov. Another week afterward, I will be celebrating company’s 4th Annual dinner with all my colleagues all around our country. Great to see them cos we don’t usually have such a time to meet each other and have the time of our life to chit chat and blah, blah, blah the nite away. This yr dinner will be held on the top floor of KL Tower. Timeline has also extended to till midnite. Which is still… short I consider.

I actually want a dinner where there are no such thing as start time. People start to come after 1800 and the dinner ends when everyone goes back to their room. In between, everyone are able to do whatever they wanna do. Dance, sings, eat, sit and chat, going around or just enjoying the view where the skies are full of stars and the city’s light are those spectacular views. There are seats everywhere. Waiters and waitress bring drinks everywhere and it’s a buffet style dinner. Everyone gets to talk for as long as they want. After dinner, they are free to still sit there and talks. Even drinks the nite away. Anyone who wants to go back their room, are free to do so. While the rest still stay and do the chatting and blah-ing. Looks like my dream of dinner at my relaxing point. Hehe…. Nah, none of this will happen. I knew it. My ideas are just too lame for any kind of a parties.

For 3 consecutive yrs, they had one specific start & end time. Which started at a rough time of 1800 till 2300. I consider this as ’short period’. 5 hours only!!! ONLY!!!! Everyone comes and start to do own things. Look for others, snap pics, chit chat, play games (they had few games on the floor for last yr dinner in JW Marriot), earning points, & eager to go in the hall. Then, .. the nite begun! For my own opinion,the time when we all first sit down till the time ends when the grand prize winner smilingly walks away the prize … was a sit-still situation.

I had vegie courses last yr. I sat wit Lic and Del. Lic is not vegetarian but Del is. Since we are the only gals from East 1, then we’ll sit together. Last yr was a surprise. Why? Cos last yr, our theme was Twin / Double. Which means that we had to find at least three (3) persons and dress alike. I would say u hv already guess it from the pic that I posted up. Del, Lic & I all dresses up like a tourist. We had orange color tee wit a ‘florally’ 3/4 pant, orange color slipper & hat. It’s actually Lic & Del’s idea. They brought everything & I just paid. Hahahaaa… What makes me said it’s a surprise cos when you walks in, you saw people dress in exactly the same way. There were as much as 10 people and as little as 3 persons. From there, you’ll know who ‘gang’ with who lo. Hehe… Shouldn’t I said surprise??

Not bad for my luck on luckydraw. I got a microwave. Just the thing for my bro’s home. With no fixed time on his work, this is just the rite thing to get his meal done in no time. You know, young guy stayin alone. Most of the time, meals are not meals. It’s just appetizer or light snack to keep the energy going. Usually that energy won’t last longer till the next meal. When he came home, he’ll grab on what can be eat first on hand. Snacks, potato chips, fries, fruits, ice cream, etc… Satisfied, then the household chores began. Later, he might forget that he haven’t had any dinner yet. I had never been that kind of a situation before. I never knew wat is was like to live alone and had to settle everyhing myself. I consider myself lucky. Really lucky that Im under good care.

Men just called telling me that our ‘fren’ ask ‘R’ from her. She actually asked from me but I was just so, so, so forgetful. I opened my yahoo email for the particular purpose then when I went to Inbox, I forget completely about her. Haha… Pretty lame for an excuse rite? But, that’s true. I can never lie about that! I am so d*** forgetful. What a human! Now let see, should I send over the ‘R’ for her or shouldn’t I?? I think I should. After all, she asked me first. Eventhough it’s late but it’s still ok. Rather than never reach her.

Adios everyone. Have a great weekend wherever you are. Take good care.

Last nite … I didn’t knew why I did that. I felt astonished with myself too. How come a simple idiot girl like me think so much of a things like that. I was thinking! Woh!!! I was lying on my bed THINKING!!! I AM THINKING… since when I am so mature (who said so???) that I thinked for myself? Swear that I never pay much attention to it before. I swear it didn’t cross my mind serious enough to get me take action on it.

And now… I’m thinking!?! What did I do? What makes the world looks much nicer? Haiyo, must be I’m havin a fever. I touched my forehead. Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine. Maybe… it’s my age. My age that gets me thinking of myself. My age that constantly remind me that I’m gettin old. Yeah, perfect explanation. I am gettin old. I am gettin damn old. I’m goin to be a damn stupid old lady! Arhhhh….. (sigh)

What am I thinking? It’s just actually a feel of torn between doin it or not on a decision. It’s whether I want to have a change or not. I know I had it to be better and get better too. The matter is what will the effect when it comes to people around me. How will my decision effect them? I’m not strong enough cos at the end I always felt bad and everything is all my fault.

But… frankly speaking, I deserve to have a better life. I deserve to own my very own house(s), car(s), properties, a financial perfectly well secure stand, some good holidays treats and most important contented in my life. What are those that I own so far? None to the count. Hahaha….:D I am just like the horoscope prediction. Either I be very successful at the top or be a dreamer and struggling in my life at the bottom. It is completely correct. I always dreams of things I should have but they aren’t serious enough to get me on the go. I just dreamed.

Last nite, I finally put down my decision to a final end. I can’t tell what way I choose yet. I had to experienced the goin myself first. I wish there are more than just two option of go or stay, yes or no, good or bad, want or not, she or me, etc….

I had flu since yesterday. I never experiences such a long time before and felt really awful cos I need to use my mouth as an alternative to breath. So suffer. Why? No filteration! Whatever inhale will go straight into my lungs. With this haze around, how can I get well??

Going study now. Exam next monday and wednesday. After this two paper, I will finally get my PCS and ACS paper complete. That’s all I ever wanted and not more.

I don’t know what you think but that is the hardest thing I ever wanna get in my work. Some of my superior think I don’t wanna take it but that is so not true. I want it like everyone else does. I want it so much as I had plan my event at that particular time. I want it so bad that sometimes I would pray to get it. I think if it’s possible I would beg the obstacles to give way. Would you believe so? It is just so true.

But… if you happen to be there and see the situation, I’m sure you’ll feel the other way. You’ll see a person say things like "Ok lo. Never mind la. Next time still ok ma", "Mou shion kon lo." Then this girl smile like she don’t care. I tell you what, that is so not true and what you see is just fake things that had trick you. Urghhh… Why me? I don’t understand. I don’t just experienced once but countless which I always thought if I tolerate, things will eventually gets better. I think I’m wrong. I will never had my ease days with that. Maybe I am so get used to tolerate. That’s why people don’t think I will ever bad if I don’t get it. Haiiii….

My mom always told me there are countless type of people in this world. If we ever wanna behave different toward each and every people, it would be we have countless mask hanging inside our mind. That would create complexity when the days we think what mask should i use today? That’s too difficult. I don’t have time to think that. I already had enormous to think and do everyday. With this comes around, sure ‘hang’ my ’system’ lo. That’s why when we had the ability to choose to behave in one mask, choose the right one approach to our heart. The one when we do or re-act on something or someone, our heart feels not wrong. Chinese saying means Can face your ‘leong sam’. Haha…. Guess if you are chinese, you’ll understand.

I choose to not feel anything. I am grateful they like me but if they don’t, I won’t feel bad also. I won’t feel bad toward them and I don’t wanna feel bad to them too. I mean why should I? They wanna feel anything is theirs matter. I do not need to interfere. I don’t want to interfere too. Like malay (my saying) Dia punya hal tu!

Anyway, I am looking and in fact searching for a way to change the issue I’m facing so far. I’ll go thro some references in those motivation of mine. Hehe…. It’s ok. Better than I need to argue to get something I want. haiii…