It’s just my blogs - Annie YYF

Yeah, everything is gonna be OK. I just need alittle time to go thro it. Life is always full of hope. Why waste it! Everything is hard. Hard to accept, hard to tell, hard to give, hard to create, hard to understand and even hard to let go. But . . . you still need to live to it.

Breaking up is hard when you don meant to hurt someone. Some of us would rather not say it and let things flow till everything washed away. I would choose to heard the word from him. But . . . if it does not bring any good to either side of us, why waste his time. You know perfectly well that this relationship aint gonna go no where and he aint gonna say it. . .  then why still be the silent one. At least, maybe he is waiting for you to say it. Then say it and maybe . . . everything will be much better for the two of you.

I did again! I cant help struggling with myself in between choosing to tell or not to tell. All worries ran thro me. Afraid that each and every words will hurt his feeling but dragging on will hurt both of us. I choose to end it. It’s not I don like or I don wanna love. It happen to be in a sudden storm that I need time to accept it. If there is faith, nothing can come between.

Say it anyway you like. Verbally, sms, mms, messages, or even in a piece of paper. Cos at least the message delivered! As long as no one make the first move, I bet things dragging on and no one will be happy. If no one is happy, why start this relationship?

Starting a relationship is not about one person. It’s about two person getting along well and lead a life together. Goin thro difficulties together and happiness together. Understand, trust and be honest! Sharing the differences and enjoying the similarity. It’s not just to be happy with each other and if one is sad or at difficult time, another left!

It’s about acceptance a person whole life. Understanding, trusting and honesty.

Im back!!! Im totally back!!! IM BACK FINALLY!!!!!

It’s good to be back. At last, Im back. OMG, it’s been a long torturing two months and it’s over. It is really finally over. No doubt, im ‘bruised’ all over myself bt . . . Im back! I banged head, my lost my conscious, suffocated myself, into insanity, dragged my frens, regretless etc. . . BUT! Those r past. Those r d damn things I did which left me ‘bruising’ myself all over again & again. Torturing myself mentally everyday.

If u check back, u’ll find dat I left April 07 & May 07 totally blank! Why??? B’cos that’s d time I had nitemare & it’s pretty haunty if u ask. I won wanna say d content but overall summary, it’s pretty stupid and no one… I mean TOTALLY NO ONE had a single thought dat I would do dat. Mom said I crawled out from d gravehole & now Im willingly jump back in. That shocked her more than me. My sis(s) look down on me and not willing to understand why this could happen. Elained called every single day to check on how am I. She called not once bt a few times in a day. Feeling rather sorry and mixture at dat time… she can only told me abt the same experiences that happened in BKI. She had actually gave me lots of hints bt Im not buying it. Sometimes I lied to her and sometimes I ignored her. Feeling rather annoying with her negative words as well the rest of them on my side, I turn to his frens trying to balance back my mind. Still, I don find any. Those sleepless nite, those harsh words, those promises, those excuses, those lying eyes, those expression of him. I felt totally helplessly wit him. I went back even I knew he lied to me. Went back even I knew someone else on bed with him. Went back even to stand against the whole world. Went back even it means to cut and bruises myself. Went back till I cant go back anymore.

Till my heart felt no more. No anger, no pain, no hurt, no sad, no tired, no hope, no madness, no follow ups, no I-don-mind, no i-care and in fact… I don feel my heart feel anything. Not a thing at all. I wanted to tell him to f*** off. When I saw him, I don know if I knew him anymore. If that 9 yrs long was actually him by my side or not. Or he is just some jerk I knew from this community. When I heard him say things, I cant help telling myself "Lies! Lies! Lies! There he goes. Telling lies again! Pretending he is good again and telling lies again!. Treating me like Im a stupid idiot again."

His doin puts alot of effect on me. Now, sorry to say I don really trust guy’s words. Even just an ordinary fren. Was this an act of protecting myself or just an over-reaction of after-hurt condition. I would like to know then.

Life is always full of hope. Sharon and Py are there all d time bt as usual (on that particular time) I ignored them alot and even lied, lied and lied to them. In fact I lied to everyone and myself. I felt kinda bad now than then. I lied bt they still come to me cos they told me "We are frens and we’ll always be frens. Not just fren but we are frens who goes thro bad and good times. We’ll always be with you and support you. Not any blindly support!" Frenship can be so fragile (I had a very rough conversation with Helen cos of this) and precious (she forgive me for my stupidity) at the same time. Everyone are actually very concern abt me but i never take seriousness on it. Should be very ashame of myself.

I told myself now that I completely wake up and even to stay alone onward, I will live well and never to let them all down anymore. Trust and give in a relationship on limitation. I cant help I am like that already. Everyone is equal in my life especially guys.

Thanks pals. Cant be back without you all. Really owe half of my life to you all. Thanks.