It’s just my blogs - Annie YYF

I jz got bc from bki & tired! Still 2day is another working day needed 2 attend. Ppl said im so stupid, why cant i jz get another day off bt I cant get my mind off. So, why bother 2 get leave!

"Can u give me another chance?" I’ve been saying this 2 often in most of d relationship dat when I first heard it from him, I felt guilty. I asked myself am I goin 2 far? Then… lots of Qs & As goin thro my mind. I misses him so much bt Im nt sad v r nt 2gether. I pictured us together bt wasnt disappointed wit d reality. So, wat am I thinkin?? M I serious abt us? Wat could b d stopper 4 us? 1 thing I don like abt him is his egoistic. He knew he was wrong, I knew he was wrong bt he jz won admit it. Nt even say sorry. This sometimes pissed me off bt jz 4 a while.

Dis time, how long can v remain… Good Q! Anyone 1na answer? While on d way 2 bki, I suddenly felt I lose myself in all my relationships. I wasnt been me. Dat’s when I rmbred Nat. I smsed her abt it. I still say her style makes me felt dat’s how mature lady thinks.

I cant jz say I don know how & scare of everything. Since I oledi agreed on another try, it’s gonna b another try! Like I always told myself, "Jz do ur part well & dat’s all it counts." True! Why live a life worried abt lots of unexpected thgs. Let wat will b, will b.

01st July 2007, d 1st day of 2nd half yr 2007.

Don know y bt I jz luv d beginning of it. Life seems livelier 4 me. I wonder how gd dat would b bt Im already eager 2 know.

Ok, lining up 4 d week to go are whole week over9 in a fren’s home, family members b’day, dinners dates, movies dates, hangout & wrap d week up wit a trip 2 KK on sunday. Trip 2 KK is a definite 1 bt d most Im looking 4ward is movies dates.

Transformer, Die Hard 4.0 and Fantastic 4 r my top list. I had been thinking 2 go alone if nobody ask me. haha…. Y alone??? Cos Im 2 ego 2 ask "R u free 4 movie?" Hahah…. Not really. I jz felt if I 1na go alone then I go alone. So far, havent try yet.

Work as well… wit a limited time of jz a week 2 re-arrange my filing, I bet this is goin 2 b 1 busy re-arranging week. Still, work is above every planned list. At least wit a busy schedule, I’ll be barred from any nonsense and nuisance thinking. Yeah, true! I always has been thinking 2 much my whole life. Regardless small / big matter once happened.

I did 2 things yesterday. 1st, I brought a present 4 my sis. Not jz any present cos it’s my 1st time purchased it. 2nd, she is d 1st 1 got it from me. Imagine how honor she is. Hahahaaa…….

I jz did rebonding on my hair. Which in another word means straightening. I cant say I like it very much since d stylist said my hair are very limp & 2 thin 4 a perfect rebond. I need a few mths 2 get it in d rite shape. Hopefuly I manage 2 ‘hang on’ till dat particular month. Wonder wat u ppl think abt my new look. Hehe… Wait till I upload my 1st after-rebond pic 4 u all 2 c.

Hai… been missing him alot bt I know it will fade away very soon as long as we never meet again. I asked myself again, do I love him? Nah… this is still nt d chemistry yet. Don 1na lie 2 him & nt myself. Leave it. God arranged it oledi.

Have a progressive & great weekdays everyone. Happy working & studying.

Yeah, everything is gonna be OK. I just need alittle time to go thro it. Life is always full of hope. Why waste it! Everything is hard. Hard to accept, hard to tell, hard to give, hard to create, hard to understand and even hard to let go. But . . . you still need to live to it.

Breaking up is hard when you don meant to hurt someone. Some of us would rather not say it and let things flow till everything washed away. I would choose to heard the word from him. But . . . if it does not bring any good to either side of us, why waste his time. You know perfectly well that this relationship aint gonna go no where and he aint gonna say it. . .  then why still be the silent one. At least, maybe he is waiting for you to say it. Then say it and maybe . . . everything will be much better for the two of you.

I did again! I cant help struggling with myself in between choosing to tell or not to tell. All worries ran thro me. Afraid that each and every words will hurt his feeling but dragging on will hurt both of us. I choose to end it. It’s not I don like or I don wanna love. It happen to be in a sudden storm that I need time to accept it. If there is faith, nothing can come between.

Say it anyway you like. Verbally, sms, mms, messages, or even in a piece of paper. Cos at least the message delivered! As long as no one make the first move, I bet things dragging on and no one will be happy. If no one is happy, why start this relationship?

Starting a relationship is not about one person. It’s about two person getting along well and lead a life together. Goin thro difficulties together and happiness together. Understand, trust and be honest! Sharing the differences and enjoying the similarity. It’s not just to be happy with each other and if one is sad or at difficult time, another left!

It’s about acceptance a person whole life. Understanding, trusting and honesty.

Im back!!! Im totally back!!! IM BACK FINALLY!!!!!

It’s good to be back. At last, Im back. OMG, it’s been a long torturing two months and it’s over. It is really finally over. No doubt, im ‘bruised’ all over myself bt . . . Im back! I banged head, my lost my conscious, suffocated myself, into insanity, dragged my frens, regretless etc. . . BUT! Those r past. Those r d damn things I did which left me ‘bruising’ myself all over again & again. Torturing myself mentally everyday.

If u check back, u’ll find dat I left April 07 & May 07 totally blank! Why??? B’cos that’s d time I had nitemare & it’s pretty haunty if u ask. I won wanna say d content but overall summary, it’s pretty stupid and no one… I mean TOTALLY NO ONE had a single thought dat I would do dat. Mom said I crawled out from d gravehole & now Im willingly jump back in. That shocked her more than me. My sis(s) look down on me and not willing to understand why this could happen. Elained called every single day to check on how am I. She called not once bt a few times in a day. Feeling rather sorry and mixture at dat time… she can only told me abt the same experiences that happened in BKI. She had actually gave me lots of hints bt Im not buying it. Sometimes I lied to her and sometimes I ignored her. Feeling rather annoying with her negative words as well the rest of them on my side, I turn to his frens trying to balance back my mind. Still, I don find any. Those sleepless nite, those harsh words, those promises, those excuses, those lying eyes, those expression of him. I felt totally helplessly wit him. I went back even I knew he lied to me. Went back even I knew someone else on bed with him. Went back even to stand against the whole world. Went back even it means to cut and bruises myself. Went back till I cant go back anymore.

Till my heart felt no more. No anger, no pain, no hurt, no sad, no tired, no hope, no madness, no follow ups, no I-don-mind, no i-care and in fact… I don feel my heart feel anything. Not a thing at all. I wanted to tell him to f*** off. When I saw him, I don know if I knew him anymore. If that 9 yrs long was actually him by my side or not. Or he is just some jerk I knew from this community. When I heard him say things, I cant help telling myself "Lies! Lies! Lies! There he goes. Telling lies again! Pretending he is good again and telling lies again!. Treating me like Im a stupid idiot again."

His doin puts alot of effect on me. Now, sorry to say I don really trust guy’s words. Even just an ordinary fren. Was this an act of protecting myself or just an over-reaction of after-hurt condition. I would like to know then.

Life is always full of hope. Sharon and Py are there all d time bt as usual (on that particular time) I ignored them alot and even lied, lied and lied to them. In fact I lied to everyone and myself. I felt kinda bad now than then. I lied bt they still come to me cos they told me "We are frens and we’ll always be frens. Not just fren but we are frens who goes thro bad and good times. We’ll always be with you and support you. Not any blindly support!" Frenship can be so fragile (I had a very rough conversation with Helen cos of this) and precious (she forgive me for my stupidity) at the same time. Everyone are actually very concern abt me but i never take seriousness on it. Should be very ashame of myself.

I told myself now that I completely wake up and even to stay alone onward, I will live well and never to let them all down anymore. Trust and give in a relationship on limitation. I cant help I am like that already. Everyone is equal in my life especially guys.

Thanks pals. Cant be back without you all. Really owe half of my life to you all. Thanks.

Im just back from my kpg this am and in the afternoon I had to start work. Can’t rest any longer as there are plenty of things to settle. I have to get back on track. Besides, I had mission to fulfill. Can’t delay no further.

This yr trip had encourage me more to get what I should have long time ago. I should have realized and go after it. Now seems to be too late. Still, I believe if I work smart enough, Im able to get it eventually.

Met Helen on Sat nite as that’s the only time Im available apart from been wit my family, Curlnic and to the Malaysia Career and Training Fair 2007 in MV. I cant believe that I hung out till morning. It’s over 5am when I fall asleep on her bed.

D next morning, we went to church for Easter Day celebration and met Charles. Another fren in Kul. He’s abit thin compare to when I saw him last and we had the whole conversation in mandarin that day. Haha… we learned to speak well.

Oh ya, Curlnic (d one u see in my photo) came down from Klang purposely just to meet me. In fact we havent meet for 2 yrs. We met several time before but that was long time ago. He is also abit thin compare to the last time I saw him. Now he’s working in Subang Jaya. The same field he told me. After met in MCTF, we went for movie (Meet The Robinson) and it was hilarious. Later we spend some times in Coffee Bean to catch up wit the stories lately. He is nice. Really.

Helen is abit different this time. She is more caution wit everything. Not the girl I met two yrs ago. Maybe she had over prepared in her life and now she is tired of going on like this anymore. If not for living, I guess she would take a long holiday to ease the burden she had mentally.

Now she wanna stop awhile and I am just abt to begin everything. Will this be too late for me? When can I stop too? I don know. I don wanna plan either. The only thing I can begin wit is work more smart and concentrate. Work wit the heart. I relly need to learn. Learn with the heart.

I guess Im ready to go well on my life. It’s gonna be new and tough but I know Im up for it. I just need to applied my skills. ‘You cannot stop living’. That’s very true.

Im goin to sleep now. Tomorrow is yet another new and challenging day await me. I wanna take up the challenge and make it work for me. Have a great ahead everyone!!!

I finally spared myself alittle time to spend some in here. Lots of things happened but not big enough to have me written it rite away after it happened.

Two more days and I’ll be in my kampung. Ehhhmmm… suddenly I lost my point. Happen to be had no idea what to write it down. hahahaaa… This lost connection syndrom is really hacking me.

Anyway, will be busy arranging my time and settling some matters. At the same time, trying my luck. Who knows if Im lucky enough to a ‘brand new cow’ again. M0o0o0o0o… Gagagaaa….

Let see, I had sat and sun. Jess, Curlnic and Helen. Who else? Cant put in too much. Am afraid giving blank promises only. Oh ya, Hitz.fm 10th birthday bash in 1-Utama and MCTF in MVCC. Oh God. Both in the same day?? I cant spilt two!! How ah? How ah? Hey, wait a minute. MCTF is up for 3 days (06th - 08th Apr). Then, settled! Oh ya, one more thing. EOM(Eye Of Malaysia)! I’ll try that. Then, wat about GH?

Ok, STOP!! Stop all this nonsenses. I really need to get out of here. Or else, I end up stayin at home whole trip long. No, I don want that happen!!

Another two days, hrs 2000 trip to BKI. Heheee… consider this my 2nd time nite trip. The 1st was when I boarded a bus to Hatyai. Arrived @ 0600. I wonder what movie will they show it then. Hopefully not something boring but if they just put on songs that would be good enough. At least not the boring stuffs.

My 3T brother will pick me up and we’ll had supper(I guess). Hopefully everything runs smooth.

I just discovered that I was betrayed. I felt stunned and surprised! How could he? Consider the 5 yrs ago me, I would ‘exploded’ and sting him with lots of Qs. But now I would only diam2 and ask 4 an explanation if… he’s willing to give. If he refuse or reject, I just eat d fact that he is so immature!

I couldnt think of why a guy would go for another girl … while in the other hand, he had already a nice and pretty girl. The one he call his own! How could he be so selfish? So, so, so not true to himself? What time is it now? The song 3 in a boat??? Come on… Who would suppose to sing? You?? Get real! So, so, so not grown up.

To the girl of his (whom he called gf), I don know what to say …. I hope you’ll be strong. To d guy that betrayed me, Hello!! wake up. U r destroying ur good name and ur good family name. Be a man. End one and start one. Don do both together. What are you thinkin, man??

Last Sat was a hectic one. Assignments all clear and Im on the way to do my revision for the on comin exam which scheduled on April 2007. I havent got the tentative dates yet but I think it’s around early of April.

Also, I think Im on the right track in my life. I am doing what I should at the meantime waitin for the opportunities to come. So far, Im doin good cos respon are comin on and on. Im confident of what I set will be achieve within this year.

Some of my frens knew what happened and they had been calling to chat. While some looks and feels very surprise, some remain calm and shows an ‘expected’ expression. Maybe I told them too much abt my relationship.

Hugh (my 2ndary school&class mate) called on sat nite while I went out for yam cha wit a married couple. A difference time between Portsmouth and Sabah is abt 8 hours. So by the time he called me at 9am, then it’s about 1 in the afternoon at his side. He was with his aunt ‘cap fo’ in a huge warehouse. As he said, the warehouse is meant only for business company or and not personal.

In fact Hugh also knew how am I doin now. Im not surprised cos I guess he read my blogs. Actually I appreciated ppl read my blogs cos they will understand how am I doin. The only thing Im leak of is pics! I need to post them up. Some more, I need to expand my scope. The only thing I wrote now is only me and my feeling. I didnt really pay attention to wonderful things around.

Not until I read John Chuang’s blogs that I felt small. He had wonderful blogs full of pics and he had alot of memories. I was like ‘Waoooo !!!!" He even had his own social hangout place (Bar John) in his own apartmen. Haha…. impress.

Monday is rather blue. Everyone I met today said they felt sleepy. Including me. Why ah?? I had no idea and automatically I felt asleep after returned from lunch hour. Oh no… I didnt take proper lunch today cos I had snack around 10am and by lunchtime, Im already full.

Got to go now. Checking on more some other frenster’s blogs. Im sure there will be more fantastic blogs out there waiting for me to discover. It’s people’s life that are interesting about.

It’s been a week after and I had finally got my most attentive matter settled. It’s not hard but at that point of time, everything is rather confusing. Im not sure if I made the rite move or if I said the rite words. Still, I’ve done it!

I supposed I should never look back and go on with my life. In fact, yes I am! Within two months, I need to sort all my pending works done and prepare for the up comin.

Im rather excited! What would in store for me? Don’t look beyond, just the comin two months. What will happen around? Well, just the coming week… what the plan?

Assignment deadline on 11^th of March 2007. D same day for Yong’s wedding. So busy morning (attending course and submitting assignments) and busy nite (attending wedding dinner). Busy afternoon too (swimming! See my eye lighten up??). It’s around sunset time. J Wanted to catch up with some old frens from F6 during the dinner time. I assume they will be there also at Yong’s ‘hoi mun chu’ nite(100307). 

Another two weeks, another wedding invitation. It’s an aunt’s son. She is my company ex-cleaner and last yr I attended her daughter wedding. This yr eldest son wedding. Maybe next yr 2^nd son wedding. A few more yr, the youngest daughter lagi. Gagagaaaa…. I think I attend the whole siblings (except for the eldest daughter) wedding. Aiyoyo, really got me hanging lo. Aunt has started to ask when it’s their (whole family) turn to attending my wedding. Oppss.. sorry!! Aunt, you will have to wait lo. Im on holiday now. Will not be free until I say so! After that wedding dinner, that wrapped the whole line up for March 2007.

Oh ya, in between March, lots of birthdays bash happening!!! Hehee….. just luvs birthdays. It means gets together more often. One of the big day is mine!!! You heard me!!! MINE!!!! Hahahaaaa….. But… I want this yr to be very quite. I want to stay very alone this year. I want just diam – diam at home. Wanna enjoy my 1st loneliness after 9 yrs coupled. Maybe I’ll treat myself to a wonderful Equator’s baked cheesecake. Yeah..!!! BAKED CHEESE CAKE …. !! My favorite. Drink my favorite Ice Mint Tea. Haha…. It’s gonna be a Me-Myself-&-I day.

Comin up in April 2007. It’s ‘Ching Ming’ on 05^th and Good Friday holiday on 06^th. I’ll be in my kampung from 04^th till 08^th. 5 days in a row. Guess I had enough time to at least see my close pal. Cannot miss this time. I miss out last year twice to see her. Maybe I had more than enough this year to at least catch a movie and a nite talk. This time it’s something else we need to talk about. Usually we talk about the girlie thing but not from this time onward. That’s what one usually thinks when he/she is getting old. Haha….

Gotha run. Assignment deadline are getting closer. Still got few pages to review. Hopefully I score pretty well there. To all of you, stay healthy and fit. Take good care. J

I never expected I would say it today. I mean I wanted to wait till after 04th March 2007.

He brought me to a fren’s house for dinner. Said that a relative’s kid birthday. Im OK with that cos I knew a couple of frens there. I meant to go as a casual fren but I knew he don think the same.

Everything went on smoothly and when it’s time to go home, he told me that he heard rumours about me. Im not surprised to heard that cos I expected that to happen. He wants me to tell him what rumours actually did I spreaded! Wait a minute! Me? Spread rumours? Was he kidding? I didnt do a single thing. Does this mean Im framed? Goodness!!! The truth was he heard that nothing much than Im often goin out with couple of guys. Normally me! I used to do that. Sometimes a few frens or sometimes just a guy. Well, they are all just frens. Often I even went out with a couple. Means the three of us. So what?? Was it so big deal? Says he trust me even he heard those rumours. So??

It wasnt until we reached my house that we break into a-nothing-but-truth conversation. I told him how the 8 yrs are so vain. So vain that I can hardly feel there are any use to be together again. Those happy old time turns to be my nitemare whenever Im with him. Im so scare whenever Im with him that I prefer to stay at home even nothing or so d*** bored. I’ve been non-stop giving chances to him that I think I lost the purpose of giving chances there. I could have turn away couple years ago but I didnt do that. Cos I believe in turning over a green leave which THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO HIM!!! What a waste of time. Waste of my age!!! Hahahaaaa…

Just as I expected he never willing to accept what I really want. Another chance. Why ask for it when he pretty much knew that he cant keep me anymore? Cos he is not willing, I guess. But what about me? Have he ever think about me? Just because he doesnt want that to happen, means I need to tolerate? EVERYTIME?? Means I need to be so understanding to his feeling and give in to what he wants me to? So silly. Nothing can keep me anymore.

Nothing will be the same even I say YES. I lost track of my feeling to him. It’s like been fren again. Maybe it’s time I should think of ‘chau lou’. Gagagagaaaa….

Anyone got better idea to ‘chau lou’?? I’ve done my part and the rest is up to him to discover and understand. I can’t force him to eat my word but leave him to see Im already set to walk alone. God bless him.